Domestic Violence Awareness

We continued talking through Facebook messenger, and started video chatting, making that an everyday ritual. He started talking to me about flying me out - to his South Carolina residence- to meet, and spend a week together. I was in disbelief. I honestly did not think this boy was going to buy me a plane ticket. I kept getting bombarded with surprises.

March 15, 2020, he flew me out to meet him in South Carolina. I was scheduled to fly back home on March 23, but Covid affected this. Instead, I flew back home March 25, 2020, at 1:40 p.m.

 I was really shy being there because new atmosphere and new people. So, I stayed in his room for the most part. He was very nice and showered me with “love”. Sadly, I let him take my virginity. I did not want to, but in my mind, I made it seem it was OK. I’m big on not giving myself up, only if it was to someone I loved. Him telling me he loves me, making it aware he wants a life with me, buying me anything I wanted, it seemed perfectly fine.  

I came home March 25, 2020. We continued to talk and had planned for me to move in. I didn’t think twice. We only had been talking through Facebook for 4/5 months. Looking back, I was an easy target. All the love bombing he did, telling me he loves me, wanting to marry me, made me feel wanted. The feeling of, “Oh he means it!” I was easily blinded.

May 5th, 2020- 12:47 am he arrived from an 8-hour drive to my Indiana residence where I stayed with my mother and little brother. The same day, we packed up my belongings and I was on my way to moving to South Carolina. I felt I was headed in the right direction. He made it aware like I said that he “loved "me. That he wanted a future with me. We left the same day at 6:47 p.m. We arrived at his Duncan, SC home May 6th, 2020, at 1:16 a.m. I was looking forward to having a life with him. He made it aware that I did not need to pay the bills, I did not need to learn how to drive or buy a car, because he would be my transportation. At the time, I did not have to worry about food, money, anything. I thought it was because he loved me. Being educated, and looking back, it was a control tactic. “Making you depend on them”. 

We lived at his residence until 9/20/2020.

I can’t recall every single day to day, I know I was getting situated, still shy around the people, kept in his room a lot until I felt comfortable. I do know that the first hand he landed on my face was when I put a Cinnamon Toast Crunch square in his drink to see if he would notice as a little “prank”. He got very angry about it and slapped me across the face- landing on the floor. I was shocked but I didn’t make it a big deal.

During the time living there, I found out he has a porn addiction and he confronted once telling me he had it since childhood. Childhood trauma plays a role. I didn’t like the idea because a lot were with the title “teen” in it. I felt betrayed. That was the start of my paranoia regarding this. The porn addiction plays a huge role in the relationship, which led to me worrying about pedophilia presented in his mindset.

Another big issue was when I went snooping through his phone (which I hate that I did). When I went through his phone this time, I would go into the google activity where it shows everything he searched, and the images clicked on. I saw he had googled “JoJo Siwa feet.” The images I saw he clicked on were 2 images of her on the show “Dance Moms”. She was not of age. I remember that moment of panic. He had a friend over at the time, about to play video games with him, and I remember telling him “I want to go home.” And he started panicking and apologizing saying “he did not mean to.” He made it seem I was crazy. He manipulated me into thinking what I saw was nothing. Those images still haunt me to this day.

Narcissists - when being caught - will decline and manipulate you to fit and believe their narrative.

That was the biggest trigger of my paranoia, and it made my mentality so low. I would  accuse him of things that I knew was happening, then he would manipulate me into thinking I was “crazy”. That I needed to apologize to him. So, I did and thought maybe I was “crazy”. I knew I wasn’t. I knew what I saw. I knew what I felt. I had every right to feel the way I did. He made my feelings feel wrong because they did not match how he felt.

Emotional invalidation is the act of dismissing or rejecting someone's thoughts, feelings, or behaviors. It says to someone: “Your feelings don't matter. Your feelings are wrong.”

Living with his mother as well in the household did not make it any better, we hid so much from her with arguments. I would cry constantly- she did hear me cry a lot and would ask, but he would make a story up to her. She was easily manipulated as well. 

 I got a better idea as to why he was the way he is. He had a sense of a lost childhood - where childhood trauma took place at the young age. He did not have the childhood everyone had. He had no guidance, no role model. When I came into his life, him expressing that I was “the best thing to happen to him” it made me feel I had to take that part of being his guidance, his caretaker, catering his needs and wants so he would never feel the way he did. He was stuck in the childlike/ teen mindset, which I think that was why he went for a certain age group / younger than him, especially when the porn addiction was presented to him at the age of 4. He never was medicated for anything, he told me he thinks he had bipolar - because “his father had it.” Being with him I could see why he thought that. Now looking back and being educated on narcissism, it was more to that, if he saw it or not. 

We ended up moving in with his mother's ex on 9/20/2020 in Moore SC. It was a two- story house. He was struggling to save money because his mom, him and I put a deposit in on this place and it turned out to be not ideal, so we were almost homeless for a second. Living with his mother's ex was not the best because we had to be quiet a lot. We did not stay for long there. Abuse still occurred but it was not an everyday thing yet. I lost myself due to what he was doing that was not okay, and it took over my brain. The whole relationship revolved around trying to fix him and make sure he does not “relapse.”

We moved into an apartment in Duncan SC first week of December 2020. 

The whole year living there was the downfall of my mental health, and his actions. I found out he kept pictures of younger girls that were from Facebook in a secret Gmail account. I confronted. I was so upset I cried, and I admit I yelled and screamed out of hurt. I knew he put me through hell, and finding out more was just an eye opener in a way. And somehow once again, he manipulated me into thinking it was not a big deal. Because I stayed still. I stayed thinking those apologies and holding onto hope were real.

I found out a year later he was looking for a replacement, someone young, my age because I already knew how he was hurting me.

I checked his phone a lot when I found out. I saw he messaged a friend that isn’t really a friend more an acquaintance that came by to get pot. He said mean things to him about me calling me crazy due to reacting by crying and feeling horrible because of what I would find out. Him being a narcissist, they don’t want their actions to be considered wrong even when they are. He made his acquaintances think of me as crazy, think of me as horrible, when i was not any of that such. He tried putting my 2 best friends against me.  He tried making my mom against me as well. At the time I never told her about the abuse and the pedophilia behavior, so she did not know what was going on, so I told her only a little- fearing I would be looked down upon. Still not knowing I was in a trauma bond.

Manipulative narcissists can turn people against you by bringing one or more additional people into an argument, situation, or disagreement that was originally just between you and the narcissist. The manipulative narcissist may try to convince the other person that you (and not them) are the one who’s behaving irrationally, or that you’re the one who’s motivated by selfish, inconsiderate behavior.  

Narcissists need control because it protects their identities and fragile egos. Underneath their conceited energy, they have very low self-esteem. 

Two nights at the apartments stands out the most then all the others living there. One was, I honestly have no idea how it resulted to it, I know an argument. I was so fed up, I flung water across the room, and it got on his video games and those meant a lot to him. I felt horrible and he got very angry. He started punching my shoulder over and over and then I was on the floor. He started kicking my back over and over and over and over. I told him it hurts let me stand up. I was by the bathroom door, and I remember crawling in there. He went back to playing his PS4 and so I got my blow-dryer and was blow drying the video game covers because it was my fault for throwing water across the room on purpose - not thinking it would land on them. That night we went to sleep, and he apologized and comforted me. I thought it was ok. Even though I was bruised. I thought it was ok. He thought it was ok.

The narcissist putting others against you - feeding them lies about you to make them think different about you - are a control tactic. They want all and any control about how people see you, how you see yourself. He succeeded with such.

The trauma bond, I heard about but was not aware of how real it was. Him abusing me, then comforting me to make me feel “safe”, apologizing and blaming his actions on “my father was abusive, my childhood was bad, you made me do it” I did not see how disgusting that was. Him blaming his actions upon others. Not taking credibility for himself. I was blinded through it all. 

A trauma bond is a connection between an abusive person and the individual they abuse. It typically occurs when the abused person begins to develop sympathy or affection for the abuser.

The first concussion occurred there, and it was August 27, I don’t know the time, but I do know the day. I know that because I sent pictures of chats he was talking to other girls, and I was on his laptop - I forwarded them to my 2 best friends on Facebook and the earliest was August 20. It was a week after when I was looking at it.  That day his dad who recently at the time got out of jail was making burgers and invited us. He got the front part of my head with a torch, and it left a little dent to this day. I have a video of us at a wrestling show we were booked at where I had the bump. Living there it was a constant cycle. Thinking maybe next day it will be better. 

(Pictures below are when I first bought a phone, he broke it May 15, 2021. I got front screen repaired; he broke it all together again a month later. I was without a phone for a long time until I saved enough to buy a new one March 24, 2022. I could only use his laptop to message through Facebook to contact. His laptop had no camera.)

I messaged my mom constantly finding stuff out. I saw him and his friend, who photographed high school teams- this message it was a high school dance team-made sexual remarks about the 17 year old dancers. His friend asked “what position would you f*** her?” And my abuser replied with heart eyes, KNOWING THEY WERE 17, and him and his friend were 21 at the time of that chat, it was 2018. I know this was years ago, I always found out by going through his phone, like I said, nobody should go through their partners phone and dig. I am thankful I did because that was how I found out the true him. I understand on behalf of a lot of individuals- that usually people hide very disturbing stuff on their phone. I am no means just saying it was me that had to find stuff on my partner's phone. 

There were good days though, where he would just play video games and I would clean the room. We would also play Fortnite a lot. I managed him in the industry for 2 years, so bonding through that and talking about what we will do for our shows was nice. I knew we were safe and just bonding and nothing was happening at that moment. It was always at night; his mom went to bed at around 1-2 am.  He would turn the fan on high a lot so she wouldn’t wake up when fighting/ abuse happening occurred. I never once degraded him for looks, his in-ring talent, etc. When he would become mad at me, he would degrade me and call me ugly, worthless, I wasn’t good enough, I sucked at wrestling, I’m nothing but eye candy, a whore, etc. All the time. I knew he didn’t mean it. I thought maybe he was angry. I would cry and say you don’t mean it and he would say he does. Then later say he didn’t mean it.

Narcissists degrade you, because they need you to feel what they - themselves feel.

They hope by transferring their uncomfortable feelings over to you, they are themselves free of it. They are emotionally very ill equipped. To transfer their feelings over to you by attempting to make you adopt their negative feelings, is their goal and you are needed to make the transfer happen.

Narcissists have fragile egos. They tend to degrade you due to their own insecurities, once you are at their level of insecurities, they know they have full control. 

Narcissists show that they are very charming and outgoing to the public eye.

I started a job in December of 2021. I believe the second week. He knew I was paranoid about his addiction, and he promised he wouldn’t do anything nor condone. The second day of my new job, I decided to go through his laptop to see if he did. I found out he installed and uninstalled BING to watch it 3 times in 4 hours every day while I was at work. I only worked 10/10:30-2. I confronted and was hurt. That was one of the worst hurts I felt. It felt like a death because he tried his hardest to hide it and he slapped me across the face, jumped off the balcony and ran away. I called my mom on his laptop. I was crying, terrified, felt like I was dying (not to be dramatic). I told her everything that happened. Him physically running away from his problems, slapping me across the face, blaming me for his addiction coming back. I started to see the true colors of this individual. 

People with strong narcissistic traits are unwilling or unable to reflect on their shortcomings and destructive behaviors. As a result, they project, blame, and manipulate others.

This is my first time addressing this. I attempted suicide that month of December 2020. It was before Christmas. My abuser went to make a sell down the road. I was struggling to succeed in the closet at the apartments. I had no idea how to. He came back from the short trip, which resulted to me not finishing.

Everything after that is a blur. That was the most major because the relationship was surrounded by his addiction and fantasy of a certain age.

He ended up buying a plane ticket (his brother bought it) and I was going to go home, but we both didn’t want me to go. I don’t know why. It was horrible. Trauma bond. So we canceled it. I wish I had gone then and there. I kept on holding onto hope that he would change like he always had said. I was holding onto hope that it would be better. 

We moved out of Berry Shoals into a 2 story with his mom still because she got a job. Her and I were the only ones working. He didn’t have a job. We moved into Moore SC on Valentine’s Day 2022. It was nice, maybe a fresh start. Maybe it would be fixed. Maybe he would realize. Maybe I would finally realize I need to leave. It was good for a bit. I saved enough money to buy a new phone March 24, 2022. I was so excited. I was making enough money to support him even more and get him all the figs and grocery shopping and I wanted to buy him new gear again. I put money back to save there while we tried coming up with new designs and made wish lists. It was fun. Ever since he would tell me about his childhood and life- making it known that I was the only one there for him- it created a stigma in me that I needed to be a “mom” type. I didn’t think I was being taken advantage of at all. 

Fights occurred and abuse as well. I did fight back many times. I never could injure or make him stop. I wasn’t strong enough. This is where reactive abuse plays. Enduring the abuse and mind games for years by him, you expect to explode at times whether it be screaming, crying, yelling, panic attacks, throwing things, fighting back. The narcissist will use those against you as an advantage to make themself look like you were the abuser, that you did all this to them. 

One of the most common tactics abusers use is to shift blame for the abuse onto the victim. The abuser will claim the victim is the abuser because of the reaction the victim has. The abuser may even attempt to convince the victim that there is nothing worth reacting over and that the victim is overreacting to the abuse. What the victim is actually experiencing is called reactive abuse.

Reactive abuse occurs when the victim reacts to the abuse they are experiencing. The victim may scream, toss out insults, or even lash out physically at the abuser. The abuser then retaliates by telling the victim that they are, in fact, the abuser.

Abusers rely on this “reactive abuse” because it is their “proof” that the victim is unstable and mentally ill. The abuser will hold these reactions against the victims indefinitely. 

I’ve pointed out many times to him that he was trying that, which made him even more furious, because I was finding out about who he really was, how his tactics were. That does not sit well with the narcissist. They know they are losing control of you.

Second concussion occurred late May-early April. It happened in the closet, where an argument was presented. He pushed me to the floor, choking me and said, “I want to kill you.”  We have done this number before, that is not the first time he has choked me out of anger. I knew how this would end, I would be apologizing and then be comforted by him. He did not stop choking me. I started to panic, I really felt I was about to die. I remember in my mind I was thinking, “I wish my mom was here.” I started to lose hearing and I know he saw my eyes start fading out. He freaked out and slapped to wake me up and then left the closet. That was the week before I started talking and venting to a guy to get out. Being confused as to getting out/ wanting something to happen in order to get out, that can be a numerous amount of things. One is the talking to someone else to “rescue” you in a sense. Now it’s not really being rescued, it’s the sense of someone is listening and knows the situation talking to them, flirting with them, he/ she will find out which will then cause breakup/divorce. There are healthier ways of dealing with this and getting out I discovered. That is how I got out. Even though I did not want to leave, I wanted to stay in hopes of just fixing him. I made that a goal of mine, but I can’t fix someone who won’t fix themself or even see how they truly are. I showed up many times to shows with bruises and I had a bruise on my face that a referee noticed and they did not want to say anything in front of me.  Afterwards her and I talked. I opened up. She knew something was up. Everyone knows how controlling and over protective he was with me at shows and I thought it was out of love. It was just a narcissist trait. The one being over protective making sure no one looks at me in my gear or anyone talks to me that he sees as a threat, was the same one hurting me. I never wanted to tell anyone that I was being hurt or that I was paranoid or that I felt like I was losing my mind. 

Victims of domestic violence experience an array of emotions and feelings from the abuse inflicted upon them by their abuser, both within and following the relationship. They may also resort to extremes in an effort to cope with the abuse. Victims of domestic violence may: 

Want the abuse to end, but not the relationship

Feel isolated

Feel depressed

Feel helpless

Be unaware of what services are available to help them

Be embarrassed of their situation

Fear judgement or stigmatization if their reveal the abuse

Deny or minimize the abuse or make excuses for the abuser

Still love their abuser

Withdraw emotionally

Have suicidal thought

Be hopeful that their abuser will change and/or stop the abuse

At a show when I had a broke nose I would point it out to others and I asked one fellow wrestler, “Can you tell it’s broken” over and over HOPING he would ask why, and he never did. I did not want to just say it. I was scared. I wanted to protect him and not throw him under the bus. With my bruises I was backstage, and I pointed it out -when he was in another room- “LOOK AT THIS BRUISE!” Hoping someone would wonder “how did she get that.” When I did not have a phone I told an individual at the show that he broke my phone cus he was angry but I would laugh about it. I did not want to come off as attention seeking, I wanted them to wonder but also please “help me”. I wanted to protect my abuser because I loved him even through every single thing. I felt like a burden.

I had an individual who is an owner of a promotion that I worked for 2 years with, be so insensitive to this topic to protect. He asked me,

”WHY DID YOU NOT LEAVE.”

There are a number of reasons why victims stay with their abuser. It is important to note that victims do not stay in abusive relationships because they enjoy being abused. Rather, they have very real, compelling reasons for staying.

Fear- fear of the unknown. This is why we tend to “stay put.” Also, victims are often threatened with physical harm if they try to leave.

Control- Many victim’s feel that they have more control by remaining in an abusive relationship. They know their abuser’s whereabouts and moods and therefore know how to act in the way that will be least likely to trigger their temper. 

Promises of Reform-The abuser promises that it will never happen again; the victim wants to believe that this is true.

Guilt- The victim may believe that the abuser is sick and needs their help.

Lack of self esteem-The victim may come to believe that they somehow deserve the abuse. The abuser has destroyed any sense of self-esteem they once had and therefore they now may believe that they don’t deserve anything better.

Love-Most people enter a relationship for love and the emotion does not simply disappear in abusive relationships. Most victims want the violence to end, but love their partner and want the relationship to work.

I came home April 13, 2022.

He still wanted me to come back for a show in October of that year. I knew I was not going to but he kept persuading me. I was almost manipulated again. I knew better, especially when I found out about the teenage girls that are fans at a show we did. I knew I was not an easy target anymore. I knew his tactics and I knew who and how he was. 

During months of April-July we still had contact and talked. I thought maybe he will finally change. Maybe we did need this break. I constantly was on my phone, checking on him, giving him money on Venmo to help out, using Uber Eats to get him meals, and help him with discounts. I still cared about him, how could I not? I was a part of his game for so long. He was my first everything. I was still trauma bonded. I really was hoping he would realize once again how he treated me. 

In July, I had two teenagers contact me, not knowing the situation between him and I. This situation was major.

This is in regards to the two teen girls

(With permission)

There are 2 girls (one was 17 at the time, one is 19) that go to the shows weekly. Out of respect I will not name their names. I understand 19 is legal- but when a 25 year old narcissist goes for the young on purpose because easily manipulated to get HIS needs and wants like he did with me when I was 18- it’s predator/pedophilia. I will get more into that because trying to have intercourse with the teen was present in May 2022.

The 19 year old said he started flirting with her after her and the 17 year old made him a birthday cake for the show. They made him the cake because his story was “I cheated on him.” Which I have said before, that was my way out. Abuse victims do not know how to get out.

Other than that, the cake being presented to my abuser by these young girls shifted in his brain that “they care about him- they will be an easy target.

He started talking to the two girls through Facebook. He talked sexually to the 17-turned a day old 18-year-old (her birthday was the same week). He told her he thought of her while him and I had intercourse- which would’ve made her 17. I was told that her mother found the messages, and she told her whole school/friend groups about it. That girl does not go to the weekly show anymore because she feels uncomfortable by him and others there.

The 19-year-old girl- the cake gesture is where it started- He started being flirty with her and as a narcissist abuse victim of his- he was love bombing her- obsessive compliments- trying to lure her in. Love bombing was the start for the 19-year-old as well.

Then it got to my attention - in May he went to her house and was wanting intercourse hours before the show- she did not give in, and he left. That’s all he wanted from the teen.

She got banned from the shows for trying to speak. Told me that what he did and how he talked to her took a toll on her mental health. It broke my heart when she said she was scared to be alone at her own home because she thought he would come over and hurt her. She feels uncomfortable at the shows, which no fan should ever. They only knew each other for two months.

This is just recent as of November 2022. My abuser has made another fan a victim of sexual assault. She came to me as well after 4 months of being used by my abuser for his own needs and wants. He then blames the victims and tells the promoter of a GA show that they are crazy. Therefore, they all were banned. That "promotion" is the same one that tried to silence me and blame me. They even went further to mock my abuse and make it into my abuser's gimmick by being called "The Most Controversial Man, The Lady-killer." He sticks with those and has brought it over to another promotion.

Pictures below may be sensitive to some. I apologize in regard to that. These are texts/ messages from my abuser, as well as what I endured when I had a phone to document.

Bringing awareness and finding my voice, has been anything but easy. The narcissist can easily twist and turn everything onto you, because that is their hidden talent. CPTSD from narcissistic abuse is nothing to shake off. Since everything has happened, I flinch more than usual, sleepless nights, nightmares of him. I can’t eat like I used to, anxiety filled panic attacks, etc. I started seeing myself from the words he spilled out to me, the degrading concept. I lost myself, I broke myself out of actions he did. He portrayed himself to everyone as someone completely different. He painted a mask. Behind closed doors, he was different. He was not the person I see him as when we are in public.

Above statement was made in August 2022. It is now February 2023. During the whole entire journey, it is true that there is no time frame on healing. I stated in the beginning I felt I was finally healing. I was until my abuser emailed me numerous times, at one point there was an apology. It seemed sincere. I was at the time feeling like I healed in a way. I thought I was. He was different it seemed. He realized everything and wanted to change, to try again. I sadly did fall for it I will admit. This is where victims going back to abuser comes to play. Victims are blamed because they fall for the tactics again. Keep in mind that's all we ever know in an abusive relationship. They condition us to believe we will not survive without them, that it was our fault, we have to make it up to them. So hearing an apology made it seem in our brains- when we are not fully healed yet- that our abuser MEANT IT. I lost friends and a personal relationship with someone i cared about due to being lured back to my abuser and putting his needs/wants first again.

 Dopamine is a neurotransmitter which plays a key role in the pleasure center of our brains. It creates reward circuits and generates associations in our brain which link our romantic partners with pleasure and even survival. Dopamine flows more readily in the brain when there is an intermittent reinforcement schedule of affection and attention, rather than a consistent one (Carnell, 2012). The hot and cold behaviors of a toxic relationship actually exacerbate our dangerous attachment to our abusers rather than deterring it – creating an addiction that is not unlike drug addiction (Psych Central).

This is just one of the ways the brain is affected by abuse.

Like I stated, going back to the abuser is a NO. I was lured back in with an apology due to never getting closure, that trauma bond I never gave myself time to heal or work on. I gave in to him, his needs and wants, what he wanted. I put myself back in that same position I was once in. They say go no contact. I failed to make sure I did not go no contact.  I did at times when I was realizing what was happening, but then once your abuser makes a "sincere" apology, stating how sorry they are for what they did, pretend to understand you, be nice to you, bring back the "good times", just being so nice to you, saying they changed, they grew. It made me think they really did change like the hope I held onto for years. It's easier said than done. I did things he wanted me to say, wanted me to do to make sure people did not see him in a way, or if I did not, I was threatened. I never got the chance to ever heal, to ever feel my emotions that did not get interrupted by his. He knew I would do anything for him. The number of times I defended, going into the doctor's office to x-ray my nose, ignoring when they asked what happened. Going to my job I had in the area and walking in crying from arguments in the morning. Nothing justifies or excuses actions I made that lured me back to my abuser. The psychological damage they do is serious. I wish I would have tried harder to break the bond; I wish I would not have given in to his games and tactics that I saw as a possible change of heart and realization. I failed myself, I failed my whole relationships. I chose to not get help from my cptsd, I chose to force myself I would be okay and fine. All that does is you stay in the same conditioning your abuser made you into. You can think that since you aren't in their physical prescence that it would not be that bad. It is that bad. You are still in that same exact mindset, still in fight or flight.

I know there will always be individuals who will never understand or get as to why.

You are not a bad person, and you are entitled to love that gives abundantly. The most common trait that every abuse victim holds is that they believe in the good, and they truly want to help them. They prey on your hopes and dreams of them becoming the best thing for you whilst slowly conditioning you to accept their many variations of love.